I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
