I just pynch a tree in the face
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
