I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
