I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
