I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
