Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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