my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
