I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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