Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
