I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
