god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
