There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
