After last night, I could never be a politician.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
