Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
