"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize