haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
