I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
