I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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