I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
