Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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