I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
