i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
