hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
