Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
