I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
