If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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