i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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