I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
