absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
