I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
