every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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