at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
