well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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