and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with two different species that night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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