sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
