I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
false alarm, still single
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