I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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