sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
