Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
this is an emotional support booty call
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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