please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
