That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
