I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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