Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
