Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
