I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
