At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
