I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
