They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
