you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
