Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
