He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
