Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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