I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
