Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
