mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i will never coherently bang her
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
