why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
