I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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