And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
